I'm too exhausted to write much. I ended up getting very sick with the flu or bronchitis or something that's made me pretty weak over much of the holidays. I managed to stumble through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day without canceling plans but a few days later had to beg their father to come get the girls because I was so weak I couldn't get out of bed. We did have as good a holiday as we could, considering I'm pretty depressed about my mother's death. My father stepped up to the plate and my brother seemed to have a very happy Christmas. Although I'm glad he was absolutely giddy with happiness, it would have been nice to see him at least ask about my mother.
It's all too much to talk about and after I spent the day saying goodbye to the Christmas season with our annual Three Kings Day celebration, I'm so spent after putting away all the Christmas decorations, I've no energy to write. My health has improved but I'm much weaker than I'm used to feeling. Some one told me that's normal, a person's immune system takes a big hit when they lose some one they're very close to. I spent a day or two in bed while the girls had fun at their dad's, wondering if I would live and if it even mattered. Without my mother, I felt like if something happened to me, it wouldn't really matter much to anyone. It's sad but true. Sure I have the girls and I have some good friends but let's face it, I'm pretty expendable to everyone but my kids and my mother.
It's a sobering reality but one I won't focus on too much. I just hope to continue to improve. I wonder if I'll ever feel like I used to healthwise or if this is my new normal. Tomorrow's my last day at home before I return to work. It was good to be home for two weeks.
I sure do miss my mom.
1 comment:
Your daughters are so very cute!!! Looks like they enjoyed Christmas! I am sorry you have been sick - especially during this time of year. You have survived probably one of the hardest holidays after losing someone. My mom died when my daughter was 3 weeks old (unexpectedly) and I felt many of the same emotions during that time. I wanted to talk to her and would find myself going to the phone to call her - as I always did. Were it not for my baby at the time, I doubt if I would have gotten out of bed many days. Your children will help get you through this. I wish you had a good support system to help you through this time - but just remember - you are not alone - your mom is watching over you - she wants you to be happy - but first you have to grieve and the time it takes is different for each person. Take the time you need to heal and know that (as strange as it sounds) you will be much stronger when you get through it, whether it take 3 months or whether it takes 3 years. It has been 17 years since my mom died and it still causes a pain - especially during the holidays - but the pain and anguish do lessen with time. Never be afraid to ask someone for help - they probably will be glad to help you. But hang in there!
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