Despair

I'm okay, as they say, hanging in there.  But I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this.  Trying to keep it all together and get everything that needs to get done is becoming too difficult for me. And trust me, I've cut myself a lot of slack.  I don't care if my home is vacuumed or if every table surface is free of tiny piles of paper.  I clean the bathroom as minimally as I can.

Being a working single mother is frying me.  An actor I worked with on "Fringe" was raised by a single mother.  She visited set when I was pregnant with Elena and I asked her what it was like being a single mother.  Her children were both adults at the time and she said she was still recovering from her time as a single mom, that's how hard it was.  I knew my relationship with C had headed south long ago, I knew what I probably faced.  Believe me when I say I did everything, everything to avoid life as a single mother.

And still, here I am, not sure how I'm going to limp to the finish line on "Smash."  And when "Smash" ends, how will I handle being home full-time?  Completely isolated from my co-workers who've kept me going, who make me laugh, who make me feel like a person instead of just a mother.  One one hand, I will finally be able to relax with the kids and fall into a comfortable routine.  The mess that is my mother's estate can maybe begin to be sorted out.

But who's gonna take care of me?  How will I face life now, completely alone?