Trying

It's been a while.  I don't really have much to say.  Girls are great, most of the time.  They fight a lot, sometimes to the point of driving me crazy.  I don't have a lot of patience for the fighting.  The loneliness of life without my mom and without work is often overwhelming.

Smash was officially axed on May 10th.  We all guessed when we finished shooting in mid-March that we would not be back but it was still somewhat crushing to know we're really finished.  That crew, in its entirety, will never be together again.  From the director of photography to the second assistant camera to the first assistant director to the editors I will never work with a group I like as much as them again.  I might work with some of them again but to have all of us, the entire band back together, it's not going to happen.  Since Smash was not a success, the idea of a musical TV series is probably dead as well.  So I'll probably never get to work that closely with a Broadway choreographer and composer again and let me tell you, it sucks.

I wish the job hadn't come at one of the hardest times in my life but then again, I'm grateful that it came when it did.  Smash kept me going and when it ended I went to bed and really didn't want to get out of it.  I spent my first weekend at home, lying in bed, hoping for the strength to get out.  I took care of my girls and found joy in being with them but it was very difficult to get up each morning knowing that my mom was gone and my adult time was over.

I've gotten more into my routine at home with the girls and I've really enjoyed so many great times with them since Smash wrapped.  But I'm sad in ways that aren't easily conveyed and a hypochondriac, not so much for myself but for everyone around me.  Eliza had a headache yesterday and I was ready to rush to the emergency room.  I saw my brother on Sunday and he was visibly uncomfortable due to stomach issues.  Watching him grimace and suffer cramps made me wonder if I was destined to watch another loved one suffer the way I watched my mom.

When my grandmother's brother died, she said, "I don't have any family left."  I assured Grams he had me, my cousins, her niece Patty, her husband.  Now I completely understand what she meant.  In a little over a year, I lost so many of the core people for my family that all that's left is my brother.  I have my kids, I have my dad but my real family, the people I grew up loving and being shaped by, they're gone.

Today, I tried to take a nap while the girls were in school.  I set my alarm to wake up at pickup time.  But I couldn't sleep.  Instead I lay there, trying to tell myself what my life was.  I validated my life so much by telling myself how important I was to my mother.  She wouldn't want to live without me.  Without her, my life is a lot less valuable.  Unemployed, unable to write much, what exactly is my life these days?

The kids need me and I'm good at taking care of them.  So I lay in bed and told myself that this is my life now, to raise the girls, to be there for them, to do everything I can to shape them into fine, well-adjusted, hard working adults.  Since I've been done with work, Eliza has started piano lessons and I've started to work with her more to improve her dancing and singing.  I have tried to spend more fun time with Elena in the mornings before she goes to school, visiting the park, cuddling on the couch or reading books.  This is important work and I'm happy to do it but it's so very lonely.  My kids need me, they love me and caring for them refuels me but it doesn't buoy me the way my mother's voice did.  A huge part of me is missing and probably always will be.