Lena Loo and Lili Too

First of all, Lena, our nickname for Elena is pronounced "Layna."  Lili, short for Eliza is pronounced "Lie lie."  I dubbed Elena Lena Loo pretty early on but can't take the credit for my Eliza.  That nickname was given to her by her very first babysitter.

The girls spent the day with their father while I continued my search for our new home.  I made it home early enough to have dinner with them and then after their father left, I took them to the local fair.  As soon as they saw the lights, their eyes lit up but unfortunately it didn't start out as our best night.  Due to their age/heigh difference there wasn't many ride choices for both girls.  I've crossed over to the no spinning rides ever side so my poor little Lena Loo simply wasn't tall enough to ride the first ride with her sister.  Instead, she was stuck on the side of the fence with me, watching her sister ride with some random kid.

She's been sick off and on all week with various bouts of fatigue and stomach issues.  Today, all I could think about when I was away from them is how much I couldn't wait to get back.  It was especially hard to leave her because she hasn't been well.  I picked her up as she cried and discouraged her from putting her thumb in her mouth by asking her to hug Mama.  She looked at the ride, her face so sad and there was nothing I could do to make her feel better.  I love Elena so much but she gets far more comfort from sucking her thumb than she does from me.  This does make me sad; at eight I can still make Eliza feel better.  But it also makes me love the mystery that's her and appreciate when she does want me all the more.  I don't really know how Elena feels about me.

Eliza came off the ride complaining the guy put her in a car that didn't spin and agreed to go on the dizzy dinosaurs with Elena.  Elena happily waved from her big spinning purple reptile (or is it a bird), the fair finally more than a haze of bright lights for her.  Afterwards, I directed the girls to the swing ride and Elena happily followed her sister in line only to get shot down for again not making the height requirement.  Since the seats weren't big enough for me, again Elena was stuck on the sidelines, crying as her sister flew up into the air.  Again, my arms around her offered little comfort.  We found a fun house that the three of us could walk through but the upstairs was closed off so we made the most of the mirror maze.  We tried for the kiddie roller coaster but the guy shook his head when we got to the line saying it was closed.  The fireworks started and we watched them for a while but they seemed pretty lackluster.  We ended the night at the carousel where the ride operator, a tooth gapped man drunker than most frat boys, told us we would be the last ride.  As we swirled around and the calliope played, I saw the look of pure happiness cross Elena's face.

Sometimes I wait my whole life for that look.

We headed to the car while the fireworks still blasted, the big finale happening right as I started the car.

"Don't go, yet," Eliza said from the backseat.  "I want to watch."

I opened the moonroof and we watched the big finish, firework after firework blaze across the night sky, ending with series of star-shaped white bursts.  The traffic wasn't even that bad getting out and the girls were happy in the backseat.  I didn't hear about the rides Elena missed, only about the crescent moon in the sky and milk Elena wanted when she got home.

Life is a series of moments and that was a good one.  I put in an application for an apartment that I don't want but if we get approved, I'll take.  I simply want the search to be over and to get the girls registered in school.  They're going to get stuck on a wait list as it is because this is how things work in New York.  I wish I could feel happy about the move to New York but I'm not and I don't know that I'm going to be.  Tonight I researched paralegal, montessori instructor, any kind of job that would keep me from making this move.

And tonight C, now unhappy that his princesses would have to live in Queens, offered to take the girls so I could "pursue my career."  I don't know what's going on with him and if he really wants them or he really wants to scare me from making the move to New York but I told him that I thought the girls belonged with me.  He presented his arguments.  My hours are terrible and with him they could live in a nicer apartment near a nicer school.  While I'll have to hire babysitters to take them to school and put them to bed, he can take them to school and get home before they go to bed.  I've known C for a long time and I've never known him to be home from work early each night but he claims he's ready to scale back.  I want what's best for my kids and it's tearing me up because I wonder if he is best.

But then I realize this is C world and while my job is far from ideal, even if I'm at work I'm the primary caregiver.  I'm in constant contact with the sitters, I speak to the girls each night and I offer school and homework input.  In C's world, he gets up in the morning, plops a couple of frozen waffles in the toaster and makes eggs, even though the girls don't eat eggs, tells the girls to get dressed, brush their teeth and then walks them happily to school.  He comes home to a running dishwasher, the girls bathed and fed, their homework done and sends the babysitter/housekeeper home for the night so he can watch TV or read stories to the girls.

In my world, I'll come home after a long day at work and sift through the girl's backpacks.  Before the sitter leaves, I'll ask her about the day, what the girls talked about and if they seemed happy.  I'll arrange snacks and lunches for the following school day.  I'll leave notes for the sitter if necessary and kiss their sleeping faces.  Some days, I should be able to take them to school.  And some nights, I might be home just before they go to bed.  If this job doesn't get cancelled and doesn't end when it's supposed to, five and a half months after it starts, I'll ask to alternate (job share) so I can be home more.  I will take off the first day of school and possibly Halloween and if anyone complains about that, I'll remind them I'm a department of one and I must do this sometimes.  This isn't a career I even care about anymore, I'm doing it because I have to and I'm hoping that by moving to New York, I will cut down the time the girls and I spend apart.

Because being the primary caregiver's about more than just how often I'm home.  It's about the the day to day stuff, it's about the look of pure happiness, about the fact that the three of us have something together.  That's not to say they don't have it with their father too but he is not the person I am.  And just because he works shorter hours doesn't mean he ever will be.

Fear

I'm suffering through another night of limited sleep and I decided to look at my blog.  I was surprised to see a post from 2008 about how I read "I Love You Forever" to Eliza when she was only two.  It's so important to write here, to preserve my life with my little girls because it really is flying by.  It's also important to proofread what I write but I hardly ever do.  I'll try to start doing that tonight/this morning.

Summer is here and we've already spent a great deal of time at the pool and beach.  The combined pool beach badge is expensive so each summer I tell myself I must get to the pool at least 11 times to justify the cost of the badge.  Fortunately for us, the weather has really been wonderful and I think we've been to the pool/beach 7-8 times.  You never know when the weather can turn so if the sun's out, we go.  Fortunately, my kids are enthusiastic this year because we've got a new pool.  It's me who has to psych myself into going. As much as I enjoy the beach and pool, with the sunscreen, the snacks, the water containers, change of clothes and towels, getting ready to go can be a tedious process.  But as of now, our summer has been divine.

Elena is now five, and is pretty demanding.  Our lives are so in flux now that I really wish I had more patience with her and the tantrums.  Yesterday was pretty hot (and it's always at least 10 degrees hotter in my apartment for some reason) and I got some bad news regarding an apartment.  At school, several kids told Elena of their plans to go to the pool so she was determined to go right after school.  I explained to her that first we had to take Eliza to a birthday party, then we had to have lunch at home.  While Elena ate her lunch, I got the news that we didn't qualify for an apartment because I didn't meet the salary requirements.  This was a bitter pill to swallow because I don't know that I'll meet the income requirements for any apartment in New York, even in the outer boroughs.  My goal of working as little as possible so I could be home for my kids is not what New York building owners want to see on my past tax returns.

As soon as Elena was finished with her lunch, she wanted to get ready to go to the pool.  I begged her to give me a few minutes alone, to process this, to get myself together.  Elena hasn't mastered not getting her way and she's also not the most independent or physically capable kid.  When it was time to pick up Eliza at the party and then head to the pool, I still needed space from Elena.  Unfortunately she is not able to get into most of her swimsuits without assistance.  This particular one piece has criss cross straps that even I struggle to get on her.  Elena screams pretty loud with anything that's mildly frustrating for her and I can't stress enough how scared I am about our future and how often I beg her to stop shouting.  But after a big crying fit, we made it out the door with her in good spirits.

Eliza had a great time at the party and fortunately wanted to go to the pool.  Although the pool was packed, the girls were excited to immediately see friends and jumped in.  But after five minutes, with friends now leaving for the beach, both girls cried boredom and begged to head down to the beach.  While I love the beach, I wasn't ready to rush down there just yet.  The girls pleaded and I think Elena called me a few names but then a friend of Eliza's arrived, she ran after the friend like a stalker and the the girls headed over to the line for the diving board.  While in line, Eliza met up with more friends and soon declared the day "the best day of her entire life."

I also have to add that Elena is terrified of the water that is more than a foot deep.  Seeing that terror in her, I realize fear is genetic.  I'm not afraid of the water but I'm a very fearful person, my mother a fearful person as well.  She never learned to ride a bike and hated driving for most of her life.  I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was well into my 30s and it was all due to the fear factor.  It's hard for people on the outside of things, to understand how debilitating fear is and how much us fraidy cats don't want to be the way we are.  I've certainly done nothing to elicit fear in my children but watching Eliza learn to ride a bike and seeing Elena in the water, I know it really is genetic.

Elena wants to swim so badly.  Each time we go to the pool, she crawls around the shallow end, dragging her face through the water and kicking her legs.  She probably could swim if she would only allow me to help her into the deeper pool but the second we go down the steps from the one foot pool into the connecting pool that gradually slopes down three feet, she claws into my suit and screams like she's being beaten.  No level of bribing will work because this is a true, uncontrollable fear.  I remember what it was like for the me the last time I was on skis, how I so desperately wanted to ski but I was terrified.  The ski instructor, not my first but the first one who really understood that it was a fear I so wanted to conquer, talked me down the bunny slope and for the first time, I thought I might really learn to ski if I just had one more day there with that instructor.  But I didn't and I've accepted that skiing is something I won't learn in my lifetime.

But being safe in the water by learning how to swim is a skill I think Elena needs for survival.  Now that she's five, it's really time she learn to swim.  People have lots of advice but I don't think throwing her into the water will do much more than terrify her.  A lifeguard suggested getting her to float on her back with my arm underneath her but I couldn't accomplish this yesterday because she wouldn't let go of me, nearly tearing off my swimsuit when I tried to lower her.  It's hard because I don't understand why she doesn't trust me.  I want so much for her to do this, to be safe but also because I know it's what she wants.  She sees her friends swimming and jumping off the diving board.  She doesn't want to get left behind.

I was recently hired on a new show that doesn't start until mid-July so I've got a little less than a month before I return to work.  I'm still looking for an apartment so I'm unfortunately not completely free to relax.  We started phase one of our move this week by getting rid of our couch and another piece of furniture.  My landlord is being understanding and has agreed to us staying until the end of July.  If I can't get approved for a NY apartment before the end of July, I guess I'll put our furniture in storage and continue to look and hope.  Things might improve once I have a series of paystubs to prove  my income.  It's just a lot to deal with because I also have to find a babysitter and it's hard to even sift through the applications when I don't know where we'll be living.  But the kids can stay with Christophe for the summer and hopefully in the fall we'll be good.  It'll be tough finding a place in the city to stay for myself for the month of August but I'm hoping my friends will be understanding towards my situation.

The years fly by and there's nothing I can do to slow that down.  But I do hope that some time from now, I can look back on this posting and remember this day that Eliza said was "the best day of her entire life."  How after the pool we went out for pizza (too hot to cook) and Elena kept kissing my cheek.  How the girls really enjoyed their dinner and although I was a bit blue, we had a nice night.  I wish I had more patience, that I could handle Elena's temper tantrums better, that the way the girls fight didn't drive me nuts.  I'm so overwhelmed by everything, I think because I'm so overwhelmed by what's to come.  But it is summer, and we're so lucky to have a pool and beach a few blocks away.  So often I realize I really am lucky.  I know when I look back on this, I'll realize how lucky I am.  I just want to feel that way today.