Nutstime

I'm starting to go a little crazy. It's culture shock living with my mother. So much time is sucked by small errands because I have to drive everywhere and everything is in different directions. I had to pick up a prescription for Eliza today and from start to finish, that was a disaster. I made the mistake of saying I'd had a prescription filled for her at that Walgreen's before (the truth) and they went crazy trying to find her in the computer. I had the insurance card, we could have started from scratch but apparently if they had her name misspelled in the system this is a big deal so the woman spent a ridiculous amount of time trying different name variations, all to no avail.

After waiting for 45 minutes, I was told I had a $50 copay which caused me to flip out. C's insurance sucks, this isn't the first time I've had to pony up a big copayment for Eliza's prescriptions but usually they explain in advance this is the case. The prescription was for a nasal steriod and Eliza didn't exactly cooperate (as I suspected) when I tried to use it on her so I wasted $50 bucks. I'm hugely pregnant, unable to work, have absolutely no money coming in (you don't expect C to pony up a dime, do you?) so $50 bucks is kind of a big deal to me now. I'm shelling out big copayments on this pregnancy, all of it coming out of the savings I need to get my own apartment.

C is also stepping up the badgering and whining. Again he proposed taking Eliza back to New York for the weekend so he can take her to Harry's baseball games. I really want to do what's best for Eliza, believe me if I could do what I wanted, I wouldn't even answer the phone when he calls but I respect that he's her father and that she loves him and needs him. But I honestly don't think she needs to be shuttled back and forth between New York and here right now, especially with me this close to giving birth and her still adjusting to the change. If C were to say "I miss my daughter so much and need to spend time with her" I could sympathize more but it's all about him having a date for his son's baseball games. I am not hearing a father who is looking out for his daughter's best interests--I am hearing some one who wants to see his daughter in a way that's most convenient to him.

This is life with C and like it or not I'm stuck with him. But so far, each time he's offered to take Eliza for the weekend it's always with vague plans as to when they'll return. I know once we do start the back and forth, he will have no respect for returning her at the time we agree on, in fact he won't even want to discuss a time, feeling that as her father he can bring her back whenever and wherever he wants. He and his ex-wife do things this way and it's a disgrace. They always communicated through the kids--C would ask the kids what day and approximately what time their mother would drop them off. I've seen first hand how this kind of arrangement affected the kids and I would never do it to my own but C figures it works for him, he doesn't care if it works for me or for Eliza for that matter.

He's planning to come here this weekend to stay indefinitely until the birth and I don't want him around at all. He'll take Eliza out as he pleases, do what he wants without even telling me where they're going because I left him, I didn't ask his permission to do that so he can do whatever he wants. While I recognize that I was stupid enough to get myself pregnant again by this guy and I'm trying to do right by my kids and him by allowing him to be here for the birth, I need some space and some distance from him. I've been through a lot these past few weeks with my mother's brain tumor, living in limbo, trying to set up for the baby while I ease the transition to this new life for my daughter. I have walked out of my life in New York, the place I called home for the past 15 years. While I want my daughters to have a father in their lives and I know they need to see him, I need space.

But as always, my feelings and needs don't matter to him. He doesn't care that I left, he's only unhappy that his daughter will no longer live with him full-time. While I've known for a long time he has no feelings for me, and that's really okay, the end of relationship is still difficult and I wish he could give me the space I need to mourn.

But I'm rambling here and that's not necessary. I know in the end I will do right by my daughters and that I'll get through this time. And I hope so much that my girls will realize one day what I've done for them and appreciate me, if just a little.