Spring

I haven't written about my girls for a while so I'll start with something Eliza said in the bathtub last night. Both girls were bathing together and Eliza presses her little 4-year-old butt to Elena's 11month old butt and says "Look, we're touching tushies, like a tushie high-five." For the rest of the bath, she continued to roll her butt towards Elena's and say "High Five!"

It was a lovely, funny moment in a lifetime of funny moments. We enjoyed a wonderful spell of fine weather last week. Oh Elena's been sick with oceans of snot running down her face but we enjoyed a playground at the beach, the local playground at the lake, two get-togethers with Eliza's school friends and a picnic in the park that was crashed by a squirrel. Throughout her sickness, Elena has proven to be an absolute joy, the kind of baby one dreams of having but doesn't usually exist. When she spiked a fever, she was unsmiling and needy for all of 24 hours. But even now, as I type this, she is crawling on the floor happily playing with an empty snack bag (bad mama) and a plastic circle of fake peas or grapes or some kind of play food.

Eliza has grown more challenging. She wants constant attention and entertainment and for a single mother, this is difficult. I do not relish plopping her in front of the TV for hours (what do you think she's doing right now) but it has become necessary. She wants constant companionship and while she does seem quite capable of playing on her own, lately she has protested doing so. She misses the cutoff for Kindergarten here next year, a small detail that has filled me with a lot of anxiety. Could I afford New York, she'd be registered for Kindergarten next year. Because I can't, she is set to attend a local preK program that only lasts for 2 and a half hours a day. It will be her third year of preschool and a big step down for her but I've fought with both the local public school and even the privates on this issue and they won't budge. If they're going to stick to a date on the calendar so it's the allmighty, it shouldn't vary from state-to-state. It's a much harder pill to swallow when I know all I have to do is move back to NY and she'd start school when I think she should.

I even thought about relinquishing her to C but the thing is, he doesn't really want her. When I tried to talk to him about the subject, he simply said "That's the way it is" and didn't offer any guidance. I am glad he knows he's not capable of being a full-time anything, but I can't force a situation he does not want just so she'll start school on time. So instead I obsess about it and I'm thinking of moving to Connecticut where I also have family. But it's very expensive and I can't do it without a job.

So I've spent a lot of time looking and applying for jobs. Since I started my job search last fall I've only received two rejections and one confirmation that they received my application. That's it. I've applied for something like 50 jobs and this is all I have to show for it. Yes, it's disheartening, especially when I add that my savings runs out and I won't be able to stay in this apartment or any apartment when that happens. So I'm hoping to find a job before my savings runs out. I am growing less optimistic as the days pass.

But still my girls are lovely. Elena turns 11 months on Sunday! Only one more month before she hits a year! It is sad and wonderful at the same time. I will cry as I bid adieu to her babyhood but I know we have so many more wonderful moments and milestones together. This is only beginning.