Recently, Eliza snuggled up against me and said "Mama, I love being your little girl." It was the single best thing anyone has ever said to me. I think this is better than some one saying "And the Oscar goes to..." although the chances of that are extremely unlikely. She has become very needy as of late and it can be difficult for me. She wants me all the time. The good side of this: she wants to snuggle all the time. The bad side of this: she has never been one for sitting still so I have various injuries on my face from accidental smack-ups. Though I relish this new, "I need my Mama so much" phase, sometimes I need a break. But she's at school now, providing me with a much needed break from all this closeness. And I write this now for posterity so in the years that will come to follow, as she moves off to friends and a world away from me, I can recall with clarity, a great time when my little girl wouldn't let me put her down.
I am still ambivalent about a second child. I'm about 30 weeks pregnant at this point. C and I can't agree on a name. I'm not even sure where I'm delivering this baby. I might leave New York and C before the baby is born and move in with my mother temporarily to have the baby. Or I might stay here in New York so Eliza can finish the school year and have some illusion of normalcy before and after the baby's birth. Then I plan to make my escape to my mother's some time in the summer before seeking and finding my own place in late summer or fall.
As much as I want a family life for Eliza, I am extremely unhappy in my relationship with C. This is not going to improve, things only continue to get worse. It's truly difficult saying to the world that I'm putting myself (the fact that I'm unhappy) before what Eliza might need (a home with both parents). I know what Eliza needs is a happy mother but whose to say I'll be all that much happier without C? I only know that I can't live my life with the heavy amount of verbal abuse and criticism that I have to endure on a regular basis. Plus C has always refused to get married, when I wasn't working gave me a monthly "stipend" as opposed to a joint account and constantly reminds me how good I have it, how he works so hard to provide a home for me while I do nothing in return. I don't know, I guess I thought he wanted me around and he enjoyed providing a home for the woman who takes care of his child but we are not partners, nor have we ever been.
My job ended abruptly early this month when they cancelled the show with no notice. So two weeks of work I was banking on and need for insurance purposes are gone. If I stay in New York, I have to ask C for money to buy groceries, make doctor copayments, take care of Eliza and my own needs. I've been in this position before, begging him for money and him, putting me down, telling me that I'm a loser and that I contribute nothing while he has to work so hard. Then he throws the check at me and says "Congratulations, you're rich."
But let's not waste time talking about him. Though I miss the money and my coworkers, I am glad not to be working during this time of year. I have enjoyed being here for Eliza and kind of taking it easy as my belly expands. I finally broke down the other day and purchased a few onesies and tee shirts for the baby--my way of saying yes, this might really happen. Eliza seems very excited about being a big sister though I think she is going to have rude awakening when the baby comes home. Eliza's expecting they'll have tea parties and play with Barbie dolls right away.
Finally, I mentioned my friend's child with cancer in my last entry--he is undergoing surgery to have his kidney removed today. He will then endure more chemo and radiation over the next few months. But they do expect a full recovery. My friends are going through a very difficult time right now, but they have tremendous support and for that, I am so very grateful. We had a playdate with the boy yesterday and he looked great. A little less hair but other than that, his coloring was good, he seemed very energetic and robust and he was a great deal of fun to be around. I am amazed at the resilience of children. I am so glad he is doing so well and can only pray that he continues to seem as healthy throughout this terrible ordeal no one should have to endure.