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Monday, January 2, 2012

Last day of hiatus

So tomorrow it's back to work. My ex will be here today to watch the kids while I spend my last day with my mother in the oncologist's office. I'm glad to be here for my mother but it's a bittersweet last day.

We had great holidays. This was the first time I didn't wake up with my girls on Christmas morning and I survived. They were with their father for Christmas and I think they had a really good time. They were very happy to come home though. Eliza is starting to miss her father more now and be more vocal about the fact that she doesn't see him often enough. It hurts. I understand it's normal to love and miss her father. But I do so much for her and he does so little so it hurts. And I have to grow up and accept it.

Elena is an absolute joy and an absolute terror. Getting her dressed can sometimes make me think of slashing my wrists, that's how much she fights. She cried so hard yesterday as I dressed her (she didn't want to wear a particular dress but wouldn't say yes to any so we forced one on her) that I felt sorry for her. She'd work herself up so much, her little body was shaking and she was gasping for air. Poor little thing gets so worked up over one dress. But then I cradled her in my arms like she was a baby and she calmed down, eventually. It felt good to comfort her, to feel all powerful, all Mama again.

Elena has the sweetest little voice now. She turned to me as she cuddled with me after her nap and said "Happy holidays, Mama." They've been very happy holidays indeed.

Last night, as I tucked the girls in, Eliza grabbed my hand and said, "no matter where I am or where you are, I'm always yours." It was a sweet thing to say but she said it to make for saying "I belong with my daddy" earlier. She knew she'd hurt my feelings and she was trying to make me feel better. Someday, maybe I'll grow up and I won't get hurt so easily. I'll realize that it's normal for her to want her father and to feel conflicted and I need to grow up and accept it.

But I hugged her and kissed her and let her know how much I appreciated her kind words. I do love her so much, it's almost crushing sometimes.

I walked over to Elena's crib and she stood up and said, "I need a kiss." So I gave her one. "I need a hug" she then said and I wrapped my arms around her little neck.

I have ten more weeks to go on this job and oh yeah, I'm counting down. I'm also planning on taking more days off than I have been but it's hard to say that and stick with that without a schedule. The schedules come out a week or two before the episode and that's it, we only know what we're doing for the next week or so at a time. So it's hard to say with certainty what days I'll take off when I don't know what's scheduled. Some days are easier and more preferable for me to take off than others. Plus we have a Saturday shoot day scheduled and it's hard for me not to think more Saturdays will be behind it. So yes, it's ten weeks but ten weeks of what is the question.

Happy new year to anyone out there reading this. Yesterday was a lovely day with the girls, my mother and my friend Michelle. I think we're off to a good start. My little one is awake and asking for me in her crib. Best I go to her now. Happy new year to my little loves.

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