the Xmas portrait

Maybe I'll make some new year cards with this one. Maybe. Eliza and Elena, December 2009, the year that was.

Should have named her Joia

Yes, I'm back in 2010. All it takes is a few comments to bring me back here to talk about me, myself and I. Or me and my two wonderful daughters. We are all sick here at chez Midlife Mama so I'm going to have to be brief tonight. But if you check in and read this, I promise to add a few photos of the girls over the next few days.

2009 ended well. We are enjoying life here in our new home and I managed to eke out a little bit of work on a new show called "White Collar." I'm still looking for a "real job," something a little closer to home but I'm grateful the TV work came in and allowed me to pay my rent for three months in a row without dipping into my savings. It's a good show to work on and I hope I can work on it some more when it resumes shooting some time in March.

My mother is doing okay, thanks to those who've asked. She's often watched my girls when I've worked and I have to say that she is never more my mother than when she is babysitting her granddaughters. I don't know that what I'm doing is good for her or safe for the girls but when I call her while I'm at work, it's one of the rare times I talk to my mother, the woman she was before all the health issues that have plagued her this past decade. I wish us all a healthier new decade but I'm grateful that if my mother had to get a brain tumor, at least she got one that could be removed.

My girls are my joy. Elena is eight months now and could easily win the title of "Happiest Baby on the Block." She is sitting up, managing to move about our apartment by dragging herself on her stomach with her arms and babbling up a storm. Her laugh is like the greatest love song I've ever heard. Her babyhood is flying by and sometimes I resent that I don't get to enjoy it without the interruption of another child.

But then Eliza is such a happy, flirty, musical, wiggling figure of a girl, I spend most days trying to hold onto that whirling, growing body as long as I can. I can't even begin to tell you how much fun we've had these past few months, starting with my birthday in early November and culminating in the best Christmas ever. Her birthday on November 21st was one of the best day's of my life. We had a birthday party for her class at a local kiddie gym then returned home for a surprise party made of of C, his kids, my family and two of Eliza's closest friends. My father bought a helium tank and filled Eliza's playroom with 50 balloons. Eliza entered her home to find paradise. She enjoyed her celebration so much, she said "I'm sad my birthday's over. I want more birthday." It made moving closer to my parents so worth it.

And now Eliza's at an age where she really enjoyed decorating the tree, the story of Santa and tearing into presents with the fervor of a shark in a feeding frenzy. Even Elena seemed energized by tearing into packages, her huge eyes blazing with a seeming understanding that yes, all this booty was being given to her. Eliza enjoyed the holidays so much, any scrooge that I've developed over the past few years evaporated and I was suddenly, joyfully vibrating with Christmas spirit. We didn't get to do half the things I'd wanted to do--a local Christmas show, the Nutcracker, singing songs with local carolers. But we did get to go to Storybook Land for their holiday light spectacular, bake a Waltz of the Snowflakes and Nutcracker cake, see the "Snow Queen" play in New York, spend time with my friend Julie and her family, and drive around various towns looking at Christmas decorations. Our holidays couldn't have been better.

But now I'm sick with a seemingly endless cold/sinus infection. It may be time to visit the doctor with this one. I'll try to update you all more in the coming weeks. Thank you to those who've checked in during this time. You truly do keep me going.

And now please, enjoy yourselves and I wish you all the very best and more in this new year.

One half year gone by

Yesterday was October 28th, the day my darling little Elena officially turned six months.  We celebrated on Tuesday with a fun party at Karinna's that included cake, goody bags and even three presents.  I made sure there was one present for Eliza, and her friends Lindsey and Julieann to open as baby Elena still hasn't quite mastered the skill of tearing open packages yet.  

Although Elena was oblivious to the gift-giving extravaganza, Eliza and her friends greatly enjoyed the gifts.  Eliza proudly showed anyone who walked into Karinna's house the cute little socks that look like ballet shoes.  "These are for ballet class," she said of the pink ones and "These are for leotard class" she said of the black ones.  Julieann, a first grader who recently mastered reading, was applauded for reading Elena's new book to her.  And the toy, a chomping alligator that scoots across the floor, was enjoyed by all of us.  Elena lay perched on her tummy, doing her little pushups, her head turning in confusion, every time the alligator chomped by.

Yesterday, the day of her actual birthday, Eliza and I celebrated with a pizza dinner and a group bath.  Yes, all three of us climbed into the bathtub and watched Elena kick and splash in the big bathtub for only the second time.  Her little legs are so chubby and short, it's so cute to watch her kick them in the water.  Eliza kept dumping water on her head but Elena never cried.  Nor did she laughed, she seemed focused and thoughtful about this new sensation of being immersed in a big tub of water.  

I am blessed a second time with a happy baby, the kind that makes me want to have 10 more.  Obviously, this is not only clinically impossible (I guess that's not exactly true in this day and age), but economically and emotionally impossible.  But having a baby is honestly the loveliest thing in the world to me.  I love her chubby legs, I love her soft, fine hair.  I love her giggles and her cries of delight and her look of wonder when she looks up at track lighting.  She is a miraclulous, pleasant, low-maintenance kind of girl who spends most of her time out in public smiling at everyone.  She has yet to experience any kind of stranger anxiety--when I hand her to some one else, she looks for me but seems content to be in whoever's arms.  She's not a good napper, spends most of the day fighting sleep and only succumbing for tiny, 20 minute naps.  She does sleep at night, so I keep my complaining about the day fussiness to a minimum.

"There's nothing quite like being a mother," my friend Meredith's mom once said to me.  It seems like such a simple statement but at the time and even now, it speaks volumes.  I love being a Mom more than anything else I've ever done.  Oh there are moments where I just don't think I have the strength to fight with Eliza to put on her tights or get the car seat buckled over her jacket or pay the bills that keep mounting up with very little money coming in.  But had I not had children, I would have missed out on the one great achievement that has easily given me the most happiness.

The Yummy Tummy

Having a baby is just about the loveliest thing in the world.  Oh sure, there's lots of poop and puke and waking up to a wet bed because my boobs have leaked all over the sheets.  But the flip side of the last mentioned annoyance is the boobs are leaking because my baby is sleeping for several hours in a row.

Elena is at a stage where she's an absolute joy right now.  Most of her waking moments are spent smiling, feeding and happily looking around the room at different colors and patterns.  She demands very little and other than turning onto her tummy and moving her arms and legs, she's pretty stationary.  I don't have to worry about her getting into everything.  I don't have to worry about her sticking small objects in her mouth because as yet, she can't get to them on her own.  Instead, I simply get to lay her on her playmat and watch her smile at herself in the mirror while I type.  Yes, that's what I'm doing right now.  

She's got short, chunky legs that remind of of drumsticks.  Her butt is cushy and fun to squeeze.  Her tummy is surprisingly flat, but no less fun to kiss over and over and over again.  She squeals and makes screechy, giggley noises when I kiss her tummy.  

Next week, she will be five months old and I'll be officially reminded of how fast her babyhood is flying.  But for now, I have this post to remind me of the lovely days of relative peace, of the simple joy of a contented baby who enjoys a little music, a little mirror and the wet pleasure of her right thumb.

Baby Elena

And here's another photo of my darling baby Elena.  She has dimples!  It's so cute!  The top photo was taken by Eliza--do I have a budding photographer in my midst?

New World

If you're still reading, and I hope you are, I haven't died or fallen off the face of the earth.  There's been a lot of changes and taking care of two kids on my own is very time consuming but the main reason I haven't written is due to lack of internet access.  I'm currently writing today from the local library on a rare weekday that C came to NJ to visit the girls.  Usually he comes on Sunday, a day that the library is closed.  

It's been a lovely, though difficult and emotional summer.  I am sorry to see the summer end, seemingly just as it was revving up.  We had some wonderful days and some awful days.  I tried to do too much--I didn't do enough.  My girls are wonderful--being a mother is wonderful.  My girls can't stop crying, I can't stop yelling, being a mother is horrible.  I am tryng to learn to forgive my shortcomings but everything seems to make me feel like a loser these days.  Seeing photos of Kim Clysters after her big win at the US Open Tennis tournament fills me with sadness.  Looking at her clutching her darling toddler on the tennis court after such a big win makes me wonder why my daughter's mother has accomplished so little.  

But I'm 42 and there's still time, hopefully.  This summer, a friend I really cared for died suddenly of a heart attack.  He was only 38 and one of the best people I know.  I am still reeling from the news of his death on August 2nd.  He was the first person I truly cared about that died young and suddenly.  It is so tragic, I can barely think of it without crying.

Elena is four-and-a-half months.  She is a wonderful baby, either sleeping or laughing and smiling. She started night waking this past week and is more tired and grumpier than usual but still, life with her is a wonderful joy.  I am very blessed.  

I'm leaving you with a photo of my two girls with their older half-siblings.  I will rarely see the other two kids now that I've made the break from their father but they will always have a piece of my heart.  

Elena at two months

Elena's two month party passed with little fanfare.  I took her up to New York to continue packing and was too busy with the awful process that is moving there was little time to celebrate.  I did take her to a party to say good-bye to my great friends Peter and Meredith who are on the road to their new life in Virginia today.  She spent the entire party crying.  Too much noise and too many faces gaping at her.

I spent the night in my old apartment with C in the bedroom, me on the fold-out couch with Elena and Eliza in her old bedroom.  Eliza was ecstatic to wake up to find me there and I felt bad that it would be the last morning she would wake up to both of us but I had to leave C, I  had no choice and being around him is still very painful.

The move to our new apartment in New Jersey, just a half hour from my mother and very close to the beach, is set to happen on Wednesday, July 8th.  Moving is dreadful and expensive.  On top of he expense of hiring movers to haul the stuff 70 miles, I was shocked to find my building in New York demands a $1,000 move out deposit.  They return $650.00 to you if nothing in the elevator is damaged and pocket $350.00.  It's the kind of reality that makes me very happy to leave New York City.  With only one elevator and a doorman, it's impossible to move out on the sly so this is another $1,000 that I've had to cough up at the most expensive time in my life.

Yes, with a new, probably too expensive (but it's beautiful and my girls will love it!) home, having to buy a car and the move itself, I could go on and on about how broke I'll be which is really terrifying in this economy.  But I'm forcing myself to accentuate the positive--I am starting a new life in a new place with my two beautiful new girls.  

We've had so many good time (and a few bad ones, I'll confess) in this past month.  There was the day went to an animal farm and Elena slept the whole time in the Bjorn while Eliza happily fed the animals.  Or the day my mother watched the baby while I took Eliza to the beach and we jumped in the waves and built sand castles.  Or the nights at the local Ihop on "character night" while I watch Eliza make new friends with the children who've shown up  to gape over some guy in a Mickey Mouse suit.  Eliza has flourished at K's daycare next door, really making friends among this group of lovely young children who come from different parts of Ocean County to spend their days guided by Karinna.  

One night that stands out particularly in my mind is a rainy evening on a ride back from New York with both girls.  It started pounding rain as soon as we got in the car and Elena was screaming in hunger.  Spying a strip mall parking lot, I pulled over, parked and got Elena out of the car seat while the sky dumped buckets of rain on my back.  Squeezing into the passenger seat with her draped on my lap, I reached back to hold hands with Eliza with my free hand.  Rain pummeled the windows of the car while Eliza screeched "too noisy."  I had one baby on my lap, one little girl on the back seat while the rain sheeted the windshield and thought all was right with the world.  

I miss New York City and the life I had there.  I miss my friends and the long walks we'd take.  I've remembered a lot of the good times with C and I've missed them too.  I'm grateful that I can remember the good times.  I've got a tough road ahead of me, caring for two young children on my own.  I don't know what the future holds but I'm trying to stay optimistic.  Right now, the biggest hurdles are packing through this long weekend while C enjoys a beach weekend with Eliza (you bet I'm jealous and will miss her like crazy the four days that she's gone), the move and then unpacking and furnishing the place with very little money.  

But then once it's done, there's my new life in a beautiful apartment (I better enjoy, I'll probably only be able to afford it for one year), a park and the beach within walking distance, and the summer ahead.  And best of all, I'll get to wake up every morning that C doesn't have the kids, in my own home with my own girls, and start the day.