Love of my life

It's almost time to share myself with another kid and I still can't imagine loving another child the way I love this one.  I picked her up from playgroup and she saw that I'd done her laundry, ran to me, threw her arms around me and said "Thank you for washing my clothes."  There's so many ways to love a child, especially this child.  My biggest fear is leaving to go to the hospital, something happens and I never come home to this wonderful, amazing, delicious child I feel I can't possibly live without.  

Nutstime

I'm starting to go a little crazy. It's culture shock living with my mother. So much time is sucked by small errands because I have to drive everywhere and everything is in different directions. I had to pick up a prescription for Eliza today and from start to finish, that was a disaster. I made the mistake of saying I'd had a prescription filled for her at that Walgreen's before (the truth) and they went crazy trying to find her in the computer. I had the insurance card, we could have started from scratch but apparently if they had her name misspelled in the system this is a big deal so the woman spent a ridiculous amount of time trying different name variations, all to no avail.

After waiting for 45 minutes, I was told I had a $50 copay which caused me to flip out. C's insurance sucks, this isn't the first time I've had to pony up a big copayment for Eliza's prescriptions but usually they explain in advance this is the case. The prescription was for a nasal steriod and Eliza didn't exactly cooperate (as I suspected) when I tried to use it on her so I wasted $50 bucks. I'm hugely pregnant, unable to work, have absolutely no money coming in (you don't expect C to pony up a dime, do you?) so $50 bucks is kind of a big deal to me now. I'm shelling out big copayments on this pregnancy, all of it coming out of the savings I need to get my own apartment.

C is also stepping up the badgering and whining. Again he proposed taking Eliza back to New York for the weekend so he can take her to Harry's baseball games. I really want to do what's best for Eliza, believe me if I could do what I wanted, I wouldn't even answer the phone when he calls but I respect that he's her father and that she loves him and needs him. But I honestly don't think she needs to be shuttled back and forth between New York and here right now, especially with me this close to giving birth and her still adjusting to the change. If C were to say "I miss my daughter so much and need to spend time with her" I could sympathize more but it's all about him having a date for his son's baseball games. I am not hearing a father who is looking out for his daughter's best interests--I am hearing some one who wants to see his daughter in a way that's most convenient to him.

This is life with C and like it or not I'm stuck with him. But so far, each time he's offered to take Eliza for the weekend it's always with vague plans as to when they'll return. I know once we do start the back and forth, he will have no respect for returning her at the time we agree on, in fact he won't even want to discuss a time, feeling that as her father he can bring her back whenever and wherever he wants. He and his ex-wife do things this way and it's a disgrace. They always communicated through the kids--C would ask the kids what day and approximately what time their mother would drop them off. I've seen first hand how this kind of arrangement affected the kids and I would never do it to my own but C figures it works for him, he doesn't care if it works for me or for Eliza for that matter.

He's planning to come here this weekend to stay indefinitely until the birth and I don't want him around at all. He'll take Eliza out as he pleases, do what he wants without even telling me where they're going because I left him, I didn't ask his permission to do that so he can do whatever he wants. While I recognize that I was stupid enough to get myself pregnant again by this guy and I'm trying to do right by my kids and him by allowing him to be here for the birth, I need some space and some distance from him. I've been through a lot these past few weeks with my mother's brain tumor, living in limbo, trying to set up for the baby while I ease the transition to this new life for my daughter. I have walked out of my life in New York, the place I called home for the past 15 years. While I want my daughters to have a father in their lives and I know they need to see him, I need space.

But as always, my feelings and needs don't matter to him. He doesn't care that I left, he's only unhappy that his daughter will no longer live with him full-time. While I've known for a long time he has no feelings for me, and that's really okay, the end of relationship is still difficult and I wish he could give me the space I need to mourn.

But I'm rambling here and that's not necessary. I know in the end I will do right by my daughters and that I'll get through this time. And I hope so much that my girls will realize one day what I've done for them and appreciate me, if just a little.

Homeless

It's been almost a month since I've written. I'm still pregnant though I was in the hospital Monday night because I thought my water was leaking. The membranes turned out to still be intact so now I'm still pregnant and waiting. I'm having a little bit of that contraction feeling tonight, but not close enough together to monitor and the contractions are very minor.

Eliza and I left New York on April 9th and have not been back. We've been holed up at my mother's since then. It has not been easy but I'm managing the best I can. I'm getting used to driving all the time though I can't say I enjoy it, especially with all the rain we've had lately. I keep thinking about my nice, comfy rain boots back at the Manhattan apartment I fled with what my 66-year-old father could carry.

My computer is still not rigged to the internet and my mother's computer (the one I'm typing on now) makes a turtle race feel like a speed show. I feel cut off from my friends but I felt that way before I came here, cut off by the strain of being pregnant and living in a city where it's hard to get around with a big belly and a three-year-old in tow.

Eliza settled into here wonderfully at first but now she's got questions and she's starting to showcase some unhappiness at the situation. At first when I told her we were staying at Grandma's until after the baby was born, she was thrilled. Now she's asking to go home to East 22nd Street. She doesn't ask often, in fact maybe she's asked three or four times since we've been here but it's enough to rattle me with guilt.

C came here to see her over the weekend and it went fairly well. At first, he asked if he could pick her up on Thursday, bring her back to New York and then return her Tuesday or Wednesday. I vetoed that, saying that she needs to be settled in here. We hadn't even discussed the separation at that point. We discussed it a little this weekend and he agreed the relationship is over. We will be fighting over visitation issues in the future but for now he's not disagreeing with me. I explained to him that I'm not going to never let Eliza stay with him in New York, but for now I want to establish that her home base is here, with me.

It will be tough as C doesn't think anything of moving her back and forth between two homes, something I absolutely don't think we should do to a three-year-old. I would prefer something along the lines of her staying with him maybe one night a month while he visits her here on other weekends. I don't think he'll ever agree to this situation and he'll use his other two kids as bargaining chips. I want Eliza to see her siblings and I understand that they have busy lives that would interfere with their coming here regularly. However, even when we all lived in New York together, Eliza didn't see much of her siblings. As Katie's a junior in High School, we saw her on average, about twice a month for about an hour or less. Harry's in sixth grade and also gravitating more towards friends and after school activities.

But all of that is on hold for now as we wait for the baby. Eliza is very excited about having a little sister. And I'm trying to enjoy this time with my one and only girl. We've had some rough times. One afternoon in particular stands out as one of the tougher moments I've had as a mother.

I woke Eliza from a nap and she wouldn't stop crying. She was tired and not feeling well but nothing I did seemed to calm her or stop her crying. I can only handle so much crying, so after about 25 minutes or so, I left her in her room and closed the door to tend to dinner prep with the sobbing slightly muffled. When I opened the door a few minutes later to again try to comfort my girl, she informed me that she'd had "an accident" on the couch in her room.

Rage surged so quickly through me, it almost felt like my forehead was on fire. Eliza was so close to the bathroom and yet she didn't even try to make it there, I'm pretty sure, out of spite. Having left my comfy nursing glider back in my old apartment in New York, I planned to nurse the baby on this couch. It's one of the only comfortable places to sit in my mother's house. The couch was drenched, like Eliza had saved an entire afternoon's worth of pee just to piss me off, pardon the pun.

I yelled at her, explained that the couch would have to be thrown away now (the material is beginning to fray and I didn't think it would survive scrubbing) and that I'd have no place to nurse baby sister. I nudged her towards the bathroom and stripped her. She sat naked on the floor crying for a few minutes and I yelled at her to stop crying. Red faced and naked, she crouched on the floor and struggled to hold back her tears. Angrily, I turned the water on.

She climbed into the tub and I remembered a day when my father said "There will be times when you hate her." Eliza was about eight months old at the time, I can still see her asleep in her stroller wearing this little red cheerleading outfit. I looked at her and couldn't imagine ever hating her. As I looked at slim body standing in the tub, still heaving from the held-in sobs, I still thought hate was a strong word but I didn't feel like I loved her either. I didn't feel like being a mother anymore. Here I was, homeless, single, worried like crazy about money, trying to care for her, a recovering mother, while I waited to give birth to yet another child. I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to be the only person bathing Eliza, grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning for her, myself and my mother. Driving to the pharmacy to pick up my mother's prescriptions, running to the post office to send off mom's income tax, trying to make space for myself and my new baby in a house that my mother has packed to the gills.

I squeezed soap onto my hands and Eliza obediently stood still as I gently scrubbed her leg. And in that little gesture, I fell in love with my daughter all over again. I washed her other leg and slowly cleaned her dirty bottom, her back, her lovely little tummy. I marveled at how wonderful her body is, how I created it inside my own body, how this little creature is the best thing I've ever done.

I started to sing a song I made up for her, one that says "I love my little girl, she is my whole wide world. I love my little girl called Eliza." She turned towards me and smiled with a look of such love and such innocence, I can't begin to describe it.

Tonight at dinner, Eliza curled up next to me and said "I love this dinner. Thank you for making me such a wonderful dinner." How many three-year-olds say that to their mothers. This isn't the first time she's said something like this. I used to say to her "Thank you for having dinner with me." Maybe that's where she gets it from, I don't know. All I know is I'm lucky, so, so, so lucky that this child is somehow mine.

And this next kid, she's got some big shoes to fill.

Almost Spring

So much has happened in this past month of March.  While visiting my mother at the rehab center, I watched my mother during her speech therapy.  In case you've not read for a while, if ever, My mother had surgery to remove a benign brain tumor on March 5th.  Her recovery has gone surprisingly well and the whole experience has moved me and changed me in ways I find difficult to describe.  I am so freakin proud of my mother for how well she has come through this.  She has worked very hard at the rehab center to relearn how to walk and to improve her speech.  There's still a long road ahead of her but watching her march through the working room last week with such fortitude and determination was like watching Eliza walk for the first time.  I was so proud and so happy to watch my mother fight to regain herself and continue living, for me, for my brother, to see her new grandchild who is due April 30th.

I have not been happy about this pregnancy but now that's going to change.  I am finally ready to look forward to welcoming this new life into the world.  With everything that's going on in my mother's life, I'm going to have the baby in New Jersey.  Although my Mom's prognosis is great, I don't want her completely alone the first month she's released.  I'm probably looking at recovery from a 2nd C-section so I wouldn't be able to make the trip from New York to New Jersey after the baby is born.  My mother won't have clearance to drive for some time.  Having the baby in New Jersey also solves the "what to do with Eliza when I go to the hospital" dilemma.  Though we have friends in New York, if my labor comes on suddenly, we'd be in a bind.  A friend could get here quickly to be with Eliza but he or she wouldn't be able to stay indefinitely (this little thing called a job).  

At my mother's, we have my father and his wife 15 minutes away, a wonderful neighbor who runs a day-care center out of her home and Eliza's Godmother about a half-hour's drive away.  Here in New York, even my wonderful babysitter is practically a two hour commute away.  The city might be small geographically but factor in traffic and often lame public transportation and we've got a bit of a problem.  

So now that I've found a doctor in Jersey and I've mentally solved that little problem, I can set about to setting up the room for the new baby.  Things are going to be tough over the next couple of months with C.  But aren't they always and this time, I know with everything in me I am doing the right thing.  I can't let fear of the unknown stop me from doing what I must do.  It's so sad to be unhappy about an unplanned pregnancy because I am so unhappy with that baby's father. 

In just the past few weeks, C has discovered what a wonderful, exciting little daughter he has.  He's always loved her but he preferred the company of his other two kids because they're older, can go to the movies or on bike rides.  Now that Eliza's 3 1/2, she can do more and be more to him.  I also have to say his two other kids have moved on from spending their weekends going to the movies and playing basketball with their father.  Their recent absence has made it possible for him to discover his second daughter.  So Eliza has gotten used to seeing her father more regularly but this is not something I can worry about at the moment.  The time to separate has arrived and it's going to be tough on Eliza to be apart from her father, if even briefly, but I think it would be much tougher for her to be apart from me.  I'm choosing the lesser of two evils here.  

Spring is almost here.  I dreaded the thought of spring at the start of my pregnancy.  Spring meant I'd be taking care of two little ones and how exactly did I plan to do that?  When I first told Eliza about the upcoming "arrival" I'd say, "baby sister won't be here until the spring."

Now I say, "It's almost spring, Eliza.  Do you know what happens in the spring?"  

Eliza's eyes widen and she grins, then says "It's almost time for baby sister to come out."

And it feels so good to finally, finally rejoice with her.

A week on a Blackberry

Here's some of the correspondence from my Blackberry last week.  This thing really came in handy though I had to call Verizon twice last week because the web and email weren't working.  Some of the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

MONDAY

FROM DAVID (friend who moved to Israel in 2007): Hey Darlin', 

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom.  I absolutely will keep her in my prayers.  Fran rocks.  Tell her I said so.  I hope you're feeling ok with the pregnancy and all.  Wish we were closer so we could be with you and hug you.  When Miri (his wife, my close friend Meredith) was sick, you were the most awesome of friends.  I will never forget that.  Perhaps one of the reasons I love you.  Hang in there and let us know how she is doing.  A lot of miles between us but sending all our love...

TO MY FRIEND LORI: Hi, my mom has a brain tumor.  I am okay but pretty shaken up.  You're visiting your folks this week?  I hoped you missed the big snowstorm.

FROM LORI:Ohmygod...so sorry abt your mom!  What do the doctors say abt treatment/prognosis?

TO LORI: Don't know anything and my mother is alone so hav to get info from her which is hard for her.  Wen u go to parents?

FROM LORI: Just read the blog entries...God, so sorry for what u went thru--can't even imagine how terrifying it must have been.  We leave early tomorrow am but if u need to talk, please don't hesitate to call

TO LORI: Your father is a neurologist, right?  Ok if I contact u once I know what's going on (if necess).  Still trying to reach Mom's doctor.  It sux being here.

FROM LORI: Of course!  Call anytime, and if there's any way I can help or any info my dad can provide, we will do whatever we can. Try to hang in there...

TO LORI: I'm ok, just going a little crazy cuz my mom is alone.  Gonna leave E w C for the 1st time to go there later this wk.  Maybe hav better shot of talking to dr in person.  

TO LORI: Finally spoke to her dr.  Hav to do mri in next 24hrs then biopsy.  Sed tumor in accessible location-not sure if it will b biopsy or they try to get it all.  know more after mri.

FROM LORI: Ok.  Sending good thoughts your way and hers.  

FROM MOM'S FRIEND JACKIE: Please keep me informed about Fran.  I am so upset.  I hope to God that this is benign.  She has suffered enough.  Keep me abreast of how she is and tell her that I have asked for her.  Your mother is a fighter, it's been a long big fight, but she will hang in there.  Take care, Jackie

TUESDAY

TO LORI: any way your dad can check on neurosurgeon dr simon salerno in wall, nj?  Frontal lobe brain tumor, did mri this morn.  Moms regular dr saw mri report, sed it lks like they think its benign tho not certain til biopsy.  Regular dr sed bigger issue  is size and location, needs to get out fast

FROM LORI: I will ask my dad abt the doctor.  when are you going to nj or are you already there?

TO LORI:  going to nj tomorro.  Spoke to neuro office today-they gd about calling me+ they still think its benign due to location.  Probly hav surgery on thurs to remove as much of tumor as can.

FROM MY FRIEND MARY: Let me know if your mother needs anything and I can stop by the hospital.  

FROM LORI: My dad says not a lot of info on record abt dr. salerno.  sounds pretty young.  at most has abt 6yrs experience-which could be good bc he is probably up on all the newest technology.  Dad also says frontal lobe benign tumor has greatest sucess of full recover.  Most risky part abt it is the surgery.  make sure your mom's anesthesiologist has full medical background on her heart issues, etc.

TO LORI: thanks for asking your dad.  They did an ekg on mom today and hav to run an echo 2morro to clear her for surgery so I think they know about heart issues.  Her dr sed she needs it-fast.

WEDNESDAY

FROM C'S MOM: Dear Lisa, C called and told us about your mother.  We were so sorry to hear.  We hope the operation will go well and that the recovery will be smooth and uneventful.  I know your mother has had health issues and I am saddened that she has another one to face.  I can only imagine how hard this must be on you.  I know how very close you are with your mother.  And this should be such a joyous time as you await the birth of the new baby.  Please let your mother know that she is in our thoughts and prayers, as are you.  Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.  You just need to let me know.

TO LORI: Mom cleared for surgery.  Prob now is Dr. Salerno goes on vacay on fri so if they can't sched it 4 tomorro, not sure who will do it.  Apparently can't wait til he gets back.

FROM LORI: Why wouldn't they be able to do it tomorrow as long as she's cleared to go?

TO LORI: Scheduling with hospital.  It lks like she is schedule 4it but neuro didn't tell her, the endicrinologist  sed sched get instruct from nite nurse.  I was at her place getting her stuff so never even met Salerno.  Can u ask your father how long she mite be in hosp after surgery.  Hav to go back to NY + afraid they might release her rite away.  I don't she she shld be home alone but I can't leave E for too long.  

TO LORI: Nurse is running thru all this stuff w nite nurse + its just terrifying listening to this shit.

FROM LORI: My dad wants to know exactly what type of tumor it is...Glyoma or meningioma or glyoblastoma or something else.  as far as hosp stay, he says it depends on how she responds to surgery.  Cld be as little as 2-3 days.  

TO LORI: I'm not sure but I think it mite be meningioma.  

FROM LORI: He says usually very good prognosis on meningiomas.  

TO LORI: yeah dr I spoke to yesterday seemed very positive but I don't kno if they always make it snd like that or what.  She has to have mra of sinus tonite-nurse told her they mite go in thru her nose and my mom's like less I know, better.

TO LORI: Finally met dr salerno.  Sed thinks its mengioma but can't say 2 100 percent certainty until actually in there.  Biggest prob is tumor on main artery that drains blood from the head so hav to be careful around that artery.  Postponed vacay to mon to follow-up.

TO MY FRIEND MARY: Surgery scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.  If you can stop by and sit with me for some of it, that would be great.

FROM LORI: Glad he's able to stay.  What time is surgery tomorrow?

TO LORI: Aft, not exact set time.  Took me 20mins to get car in Moms driveway cuz snow.  Exhausted.  Talk soon.  Hav fun w your daughter.  I miss my girl.

THURSDAY

FROM MY COUSIN PAT: Lisa, I figured you were having a long day at the hospital, but wasn't sure other than to leave a message how to get in touch.  I feel bad that you are there by yourself.  Hospitals are not the best of places to be, let alone being alone and worrying.  After we got off the phone, the brain kicked in gear and I started wondering about all of her health issues, medication that she is on (blood thinners, etc.) and wondering how that would affect or if it would allow surgery.  Then there is the concern with her heart.  Life has certainly not been kind to your mom.  Just to let you know that you have both been in my thoughts and prayers.  Did not know if you mentioned this to anyone else.  I wish I could give you a big hug right now.  Tell our mom we are thinking of her and praying that all goes well.

FROM MY FRIEND DAVID: I have your mom in my prayers.  Let us know her # at the hospital.  We'd like to call her... (I told my mother she ranks higher than me, they never call me from Israel.)

FROM C'S MOM: I hope the surgery is going well.  Keep us updated when you can.  I was so happy to hear that Mary will be with you.  It will help to have that support.

TO MY COUSIN PAT: Thanks for your nice message.  I just wanted to let you know Mom's surgery isn't scheduled until 4pm so I won't have any news until much later.

FROM C'S MOM:  We will be thinking of you both at 4pm.  Give your Mom a hug and one for you too.

FROM PAT: How is she??  I'll bet she is so afraid.  Please let her know that she is in my thoughts, prayers--you too.  Do they have any idea of how long the surgery will be?? Is there anyone with you?

TO PAT: She is very thirsty because they won't let her drink anything until after the surgery.  Other than that, she is fine but she won't be if they don't take her at 4 (which is often the case at hospitals).  I'm fine-my friend mary will come by at some point and so is my father.  The surgeon told me the surgery will take 3-4 hrs but I'm not buying it.  I know that it always takes longer than that so I'm prepared for it.  I just hope they really hav her by 4:30 or so.  Its not easy waiting to hav yr skull cut open.

TO MY FRIEND LORI: Oh my god, if I hav to hear my mother complain about her constipation again I'm going to go insane.  Surgery sched for 4

FROM LORI: Could be worse.  Could be diarrhea...

TO MY COUSIN KATHY: I just wanted to let you know my mom is in the hospital.  She has a brain tumor they think is benign but its big and has to be removed.  She is scheduled to hav surgery late today.  Sorry to be telling you this in an email but everything is happening very fast.  I was on the phone with her Sunday night when suddenly she had some kind of seizure.  I called her neighbor, they broke in the house and rode to the hospital with her and now here we are.  the neurosurgeon appears pretty good + if surgery goes well, she should be ok.  

I hav not told Gram yet, not sure when that will happen.  I want to wait until after the surgery so should you speak to Gram and Pap, please don't mention it.

4:54 pm--TO MY FRIEND MARY WHO SAT IN THE OR WAITING ROOM WHILE I SAT WITH MY MOTHER IN THE HOLDING AREA BEFORE THE OR: Just sitting here in another waiting room with mom waiting...

FROM MARY: Ok, we're in the other waiting room

5:37pm--TO MARY: Still just sitting here.  No dr, nothing.  I wonder if they're even going to do surgery @ this point its so late.  

FROM MARY: Oh I hope they do it.  They shouldn't make her wait likes this.  Keep me posted.

FROM MY COUSIN KATHY: Thanks for letting me know about your mom.  How did the surgery go for her.  How long will she be in the hospital?  Let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do.

FROM MY MOTHER'S CLOSE FRIEND DORIS: I am so glad you contacted me about your mother's surgery.  I am very concerned and would like to know how the surgery went.  Please keep me posted on how things are going.  My prayers and best wishes are with you.

FRIDAY

2:39am--TO KATHY: Mom's finally done with surgery.  dr sed she's ok.  Exhausted, more later.

2:40am--TO PAT: She's finally out of surgery.  dr. sed it went well.  Exhausted.  more tomorrow.

FROM MEREDITH, MY CLOSE FRIEND: What's going on with your mom??  David told me last night.  apparently he had forwarded an email to me from you that didn't have the whole story.  Its a tumor?  She had surgery today??  pls let me know whats going on with her and with you.  I am so concerned for her and for you.  Pls let me know asap.  I love you.

FROM C'S MOM: I am so glad to hear it went well.  I will be watching for the next update.  I hope you are doing okay.

TO MEREDITH: Mom was in surgery until 3a.  Dr. said it went well+ he got most of the tumor out.  He really doesn't think tumor was malignant but have to wait for the pathology report.  I saw her briefly after the surgery.  She looked to be in pain and she was very upset that I was still there.  I am sorry she had to go through this but happy they could do something about it.  What a week!  last week @ this time we had no idea she had a brain tumor.  Now she's recovering from a craniotomy.  Keep her in your thoughts and prayers as she recovers and thanks for checking in.  

FROM PAT: You poor little thing--you really had a LONG day yesterday.  I noticed the time you sent the email.  So glad to hear the surgery went well.  Now if the recovery can go as well that will be wonderful.  

FROM MOM'S FRIEND JACKIE: Thank you Lisa.  I was holding breath until your email.  

FROM LORI: Just wanted to check in on you.  How are things?

TO LORI: Hi, mom in surgery last night til 3am but supposedly it went well.  I called ICU to see how she's doing and her nurse sed she's ok, just complaining about her constipation.  The more things change, the more they stay the same...

Update on Mom

So my mother endured nine hours of brain surgery late Thursday into Friday.  I didn't get back to her house until close to 4am.  The neurosurgeon said the surgery went better than he expected.  I am impressed that I managed to stay relatively calm throughout the entire ordeal but I'm back in New York with Eliza now and I feel very badly that I'm not with my Mom.

I arrived Wednesday and went straight to the hospital.  Mom looked pretty good for some one with a brain tumor.  The neurosurgeon, is relatively sure my mother has what's called a Meningioma, which is a benign, frontal lobe brain tumor.  Apparently, as far as brain tumors go, this is the one to get.  It has the highest rate of a full recovery.  

Although they can't be sure that the tumor isn't cancerous until after the pathology report, the tumors location indicates that it's a Meningioma.  

Mom's surgery was scheduled for 4pm and the orderly arrived just a little after four.  My cheerleading squad that consisted of my friend Michelle and my father had already shown up.  We followed the orderly as he wheeled Mom towards the OR.  

"I hope I recognize you all when I wake up," Mom said.

I accompanied mother to the holding area where we sat for close to two hours.  A nurse asked a series of questions and then disappeared.  

"Am I the only customer?" My mother asked.  Finally, around 5:40, the anesthesiologists arrived and asked the same questions as the nurse.  Then Dr. Salerno walked up and I realized who he reminded me of: my friend David who moved to Israel.  I felt like the surgery had to go well if my Mom was to be operated on by a doctor who looked like one of my closest friends.  

They started with the anesthesia and I walked down a long hallway to meet Michelle and my father in the OR waiting room.  

A TV blared.  Two small children ran around.  Jeopardy bled into American Idol, then a reality show and then ER and we found ourselves the last people there.  We changed ER-- a case of art meeting reality.  I know how surgery goes and even though the doctor said it would take three to four hours, I knew it would probably take longer and that didn't necessarily mean anything bad.  

Close to 11pm, they phoned the desk to tell me that my Mom was fine and the surgery was going well.  I felt relieved, but still secretly wondered if they were back there arguing over who'd go out and tell the pregnant chick they just screwed up her Mother.  

Michelle hung in until after midnight.  I was grateful she came at all and certainly hadn't expected her to stay over six hours.  I felt guilty and at the same time insanely blessed to have good friends.  My blackberry helped me keep in touch with frantic relatives via email.  

Finally, after two am, they called the desk to say the surgery was over and all was well.  They had to wake Mom up and then they'd come get us.  My father and I went down to ICU and waited until they were ready to let us see her.

As soon as she saw us, Mom started to cry.  She looked pale and her head was covered with a white dressing that kind of resembled a turban.  

"Go home," she said.  "I'm sorry."

"We couldn't," my Dad said.  

I smiled.  In that moment, I was so proud of her, of us, by how well we'd handled all this.  

"You're okay, Mom," I said.  "It's good to see you."

They moved her out of ICU on Friday and I returned to New York.  I feel terrible separated from my mother but Friday started with a phone call from Eliza where she begged me to pick her up at school.  I know some of it was toddler manipulation but I got the message: "Mama, come home."  I don't ever want my daughter to think I'm not listening.

I have no idea what I face when Mom gets out of the hospital.  She might not be able to drive, she might not be able to live alone for a long time, if ever.  Anyone who reads this blog with any regularity knows that I'm not happy in my current situation so other than the school Eliza attends three days a week, there's no real reason for me to stay in New York.  I wonder about dragging Eliza into this situation but my mother really doesn't have anyone to take care of her other than me.  She doesn't have a big bank account for private nursing care and her house is probably worth so little at this point, selling isn't an option.  I'm all she really has.  

I'm not leaving my daughter behind.  C gave me some song and dance about her having a life here and how he's her parent too, he's not chopped liver.  Believe me, as my father sat with me for all those hours during his ex-wife's surgery, I was reminded of the importance of fathers.  But mothers are important too and I've been this kid's primary caregiver all of her life.  Though she and C had a good time in my absence, she spent more hours with the babysitter than with C.  These days we have day care and playdates and other things we think are so important but Eliza is three, is there anything more important than her family.  My mother only lives two hours outside New York and C can go back and forth a lot more easily than I can at 32 weeks pregnant.

But enough about him.  My friend Meredith called me from Israel today to check on my Mom and me.  this is the first time I've heard her voice since I left her at the airport back in May.  Next time I speak to my mother, I'm going to tell her she should get brain tumors more often.

Kidding folks!

Shaking

My mother has a brain tumor.  There's no easy way to say it and certainly there was no easy way to hear it.  My mother delivered the news to me herself: I am sorry for that.  My mother's next door neighbor, Karinna, was supposed to tell me but I tracked my mother down at the hospital sooner than she expected.  

Karinna called about an hour after she rode in the ambulance to the hospital with my mother.  She said my mother was lucid and joking around and that it looked like she may have had a mini-stroke.  My mother has Afib, a heart condition that can lead to a stroke so this has been a concern for some time.  I was not surprised, but I wasn't happy either.  Karinna couldn't find the key to my mother's house so she had her sixteen-year-old son break in.  They found my mother on the floor and it was pretty scary but help arrived quickly.  They didn't even bring a coat for my mother, they moved so fast.  

Karinna asked me to call her house and tell her son that my mother was stable.  An answering machine picked up and I thanked Dylan for breaking and entering.  "Thank you, thank you, thank you," I rambled into the machine.  

Karinna stayed with my mother so my mother wasn't alone when she found out she had a brain tumor.  The hospital who'd done the CAT scan didn't have a neurologist so my mother was transferred to another hospital.  I tracked her down early this morning and they connected me to her room.  When my mother asked me if I'd spoken to Karinna, I should have known it was worse than I thought but I still fell apart when she told me.  My poor Mom, suffering with her own brain tumor and me, a basket case.

Ten years ago, a close friend of my mother's died from a brain tumor and my mother was with her when she died.  It wasn't pretty and I'm sure that's what's going through her head right now.  We don't know anything yet so I'm trying not to jump to any conclusions.  I'm probably going to head to Jersey later this week to be the point man so my mother doesn't have to be the only one receiving information.  I'm a bit snowed in at the moment and I need to get Eliza's care in order.  This will be the first trip I take without my daughter.  I need her and I will miss her but she doesn't need to be hanging around the hospital with me.  She's better off in school, with her father.

I can't stop shaking.  Last night I stood in Eliza's room while she slept and wished so much I could climb into bed with her and hold her.  But I didn't want to wake her so I just stood perfect still and listened to her breathe while I stared at the spooky blue glow of her nightlight.  I felt like a little girl, alone, shaking, terrified of the dark.