As I was on the phone with her, my cell phone rang with a work call. I interviewed today for the script supervising position on what looks to be one of the biggest new shows on TV this upcoming season. If I agreed to do the show, I'd make a great salary, enough to free me from C for a long time. I wouldn't be able to take the apartment I looked at on Sunday but I'd find something else and stay in New York.
There's always a catch and it's a big one. With car chases and special effects galore, I can expect to be at work all the time. The producer was honest during the interview. He said if the show goes for a few seasons, I'll see my daughter again when she's five.
The hours I've complained about on television shows are not an exaggeration. We report to work where and when we are told and we leave when they say we can. Sometimes the locations are convenient, other times I'm in a van for an hour going to some remote park two hours outside of Manhattan. Mondays start at with us arriving for work at 6:30am and end around 9:30pm. Since the start time for the following day is determined by what time we finish shooting, I can't even say when I have to leave home until the night before.
Can I do this kind of job as a single mother? I want Eliza's home to be with me but if I work, her living with me doesn't make a lot of sense. Although C works long hours too, he can be home for dinner more nights a week than I can. Occasionally, he can work from home and he can adjust his hours if necessary. His oldest daughter can babysit. His brother's fiance works close by. In a pinch, his son's babysitter can probably step in.
Me, I got nothing. So if I take the job, I have financial freedom from C but I feel like I risk losing my daughter in the process. If only some one could assure me that I will find another job, create another career, one that will enable me to give my darling daughter the life I want for her, then I could say no to this without remorse.
Instead I sit here wondering, why I'd want to say no to something that will provide me the freedom to get C out of my life. And I know why I don't think I can say yes, it's that little girl in the next room I'm so afraid I'll lose.