Exhausted Ramblings of a Failed Mother

Tonight I feel like a complete failure as a mother.  I worked yesterday, the first day on my new job.  It was one day of reshoots for the show's pilot.  The day only went 13 hours, not too bad.  I even made it home in time to put Eliza to bed.  

I looked forward to spending the day with her today but somehow everything got a bit out of hand.  After C left for work, I realized we were out of toilet paper.  I also desperately need to go to the grocery store.  I had an interview scheduled for my freebie writing thing for the magazine in the morning and a get together with Catherine, the woman I'll be job-sharing with on the TV show in the afternoon.  Since the woman I interviewed for the magazine is a friendly aquaintance with a son close to Eliza age, I said yes when she suggested I bring Eliza and her nanny could watch both kids while us Moms did the interview.  

Bad move.  Getting out the door with Eliza in tow isn't a good idea when I don't have a lot of time.  At first, Eliza refused to play with my friend's son and the interview was interrupted several times.  The TV seemed to unite the kids in ways I'd never imagined (my friend's suggestion) and when it was time to leave, Eliza refused.  Eventually I coaxed her into the stroller but didn't get home in time to hit the grocery store.  With virtually nothing to offer her for lunch but yogurt, I quickly plunked her to bed for her nap and made one quick phone call.  

Catherine arrived and we went over some stuff for the job.  Eliza woke up and Catherine and I sat at the computer, creating forms we'd need for the show.  We went for a walk but I realized not shortly after leaving that Eliza had taken a massive dump and I hadn't brought diapers.  Catherine left and I was stuck carrying Eliza home.  It was a messy poop that managed to get all over my shirt and skirt.  The night just went downhill from there.  I got dinner on the table too late, she barely ate it, C walked in the door just as I was putting her to bed, wondering where dinner was which is often the case.  I never know when he'll be home.  I am so tired of his strutting in the door at 8:30 and wondering if we've had dinner yet.  It's his passive aggressive way of saying, "I'm home, feed me."

I hadn't had a fun day with Eliza, I wish he'd go to grocery store with a list or unload the dishwasher sometimes.  How about letting me know when he's used the last of the toilet paper and running turning on the dishwasher when his kids have dinner at our place?  Transition days--the days after I've worked are always tough for me.  I'm a little tired and out of sorts and have to adjust back into my role as house slave.  

I didn't have one fun moment with my girl today.  About an hour after I'd put her to bed (abruptly, I'll add, annoyed when she ripped one of her books), I went into her room to apologize for my lack of patience, my anger, the silly things I'd done wrong that day.

"Mama," she said softly, lifting her head.

I touched her cheek and said, "Eliza, I'm so sorry for everything I do wrong."

"Good night Mama," she said.  

I've got a lot on my plate right now and with so little outside help, I realize I'm not always going to be a fun Mom to be around.  But still, days like today are so hard.  Eliza and i didn't have one fun moment, I was simply too busy and too exhausted.  

I went into my room and cried, then read the script for my first episode.  It's good, in a gross way, but very, very tough to shoot.  I won't have as much time off between episodes as I thought because we will have a lot of second unit to shoot.  So I'm going to have transitional days, days like today constantly for the next five months.  I am trying to look at it as a gift, it is a gift to have a job when so many people are struggling these days.  

I'm 40 years old, I don't think I can do the hours anymore.  I don't want to be a tyrant with my girl.