Dark Days

I've been free from work for the past two weeks and its been a tough journey.  Whenever I walk out the door, I have so many hopes for the time I'll have with my daughter.  I probably end up trying to do too much to make up for all the time I miss with her.

I got home from work around 3am on Saturday morning which is a good night for us.  I was up early the following morning to take Eliza on a short train ride to New Jersey to go apple picking with friends.  I should have realized the day would be too much but I was free from work, it was a beautiful day and I wanted to enjoy my time with my girl.  

It was a beautiful day but by the time we got back to New York, it was too late for Eliza to nap.  C was gone on a business trip and I found myself completely void of anything resembling energy.  When Eliza doesn't nap, she gets hyper.  I popped in some videos but nothing worked.  I counted down the hours until her bedtime.  

Sunday was a better day.  Perhaps realizing my limitations, I stayed close to home.  We went to a nearby playground and enjoyed the beautiful weather.  We both napped in the early afternoon and then I took her shopping for more fall clothes in the evening.  It was a wonderful day and I felt rejuvinated enough for a jaunt to the Bronx Zoo the following day.

We had a fantastic day at the Bronx Zoo and I'm glad we went.  There was trick-or-treating, hayrides, a hay maze and other Halloween-themed activities.  Though we had a wonderful day, I found myself shrewish, impatient and exhausted for much of it.  The Bronx Zoo is a long subway ride away and on the way home with a hyper toddler who again hadn't had a nap, I really contemplated hurling myself off the train in a place where no one would ever find me.  Factor in C who sauntered in with his eldest daughter at 7:45pm just as I was trying to usher Eliza into bed, and you'll see how much fun I had that evening.  

I vowed to have a better day the following but again I tried to do too much.  Though we had a fun morning with a friend, Eliza again didn't nap.  C showed up with his son who was exhausted after a long trip with his mother and I had two exhausted kids in my house.  The evening passed smoothly enough with both kids going to bed early.  On Wednesday, I dropped Eliza off at school determined to enjoy the day.  I confess to spending most of the day lying in bed, trying to catch up on my sleep.  I've had a nasty sinus infection since that day we went to the Zoo and haven't slept much because of it.  

When I picked Eliza up at school, she was her typically happy, buoyant self.  Thrilled to see she's adjusted to school so well, we set off for home where I stupidly prepared a too ambitious meal that she didn't eat.  We still managed to have a nice evening and I put her to bed at her usual time.

She woke up sometime after nine, fussy, whiney and writhing.  Exhausted myself, I simply brought her into bed with me.  C wasn't home so I had the big bed to myself.  Usually, taking Eliza into bed with me comforts her but this night it didn't.  She kept writhing, crying, and gyrating around.  Eliza had had a cold since she started school and I stupidly thought she was frustrated by an inability to sleep with her congested nose.  

Except I know better.  I know my daughter.  She sleeps, even when she's crazy congested, she snores like a little old man.  My daughter had an illness coming on and I, in my own, exhausted, oh I can't deal with this kid anymore way, did not see it.  

Finally, I dumped her in her crib telling her that since she couldn't stop crying, I had to have some space.  Nice Mama moment, right.  This, of course, set off the horrific screaming of a devil-child.  I flopped on my bed and nearly felt like I could sleep, even with the racket.  It was close to midnight.  I don't remember when I'd had a full night's sleep.

After a few minutes of letting her scream, I got out of bed and pounded the walls like a lunatic.  I simply couldn't listen to that screaming anymore.  All I wanted was to sleep, to get away from the screaming and the whiney, writhing child who would not let me comfort her.  I'd always been able to soothe her in the past.  Why couldn't I this night.

Suddenly realizing my daughter needed me and it was time to be a grown-up, I went to her crib to lift her out.  Expecting some kind of scared, angry reaction I received just the opposite.  Eliza threw her arms around me, moved in to kiss me like a love-struck heroine in a Greek tragedy.  Realizing this was her way of apologizing, she was trying to let me know she was sorry for upsetting me so much I suddenly felt like I might split in two from the pain of knowing how wrong this reaction was. 

My daughter needed me.  And not only was I not there for her, I was angry with her.  I sat in the rocking chair with her and explained to her that Mama was very, very wrong.  She didn't need to feel badly for what she'd done, that Mama should have never, ever acted like that.  I'm not sure how much she understood but she finally fell asleep in my arms.  Finally, I was able to comfort my daughter who'd fought being soothed all night long.

Later that night, Eliza sprouted a monster fever.  I brought her into the bed with me and C slept on the couch when he got home after midnight.  Eliza couldn't really sleep because of the fever.  I offered her Motrin but she threw it up.  I continued to feel exhausted, sick, harried like I'd never felt harried before.  But I made it through the night.

We saw Eliza doctor the next day who diagnosed a serious ear infection that had leak and could have ruptured had we not seen the doctor.  Eliza spent most of the day crying, falling asleep for short periods, then waking up and crying.  It was hard seeing her so lethargic.  She'd insisted on wearing her red party dress and matching red shoes to the doctor.  She looked so lovely, lying on the middle of my bed in her elegant dress.  It was so hard to see her so out-of-sorts, so miserable, so clearly not herself.

Around 6pm the fever broke and my daughter was suddenly my daughter again.  When I put on her new CD and she even mustered a little shoulder shimmy, I felt reborn.  We'd come a long way in those 24 hours.  I'd almost lost her and now she was back again.  I felt a new appreciation for my wonderful daughter.  

After I'd had that bad moment that night, I thought that Eliza would be better off without me.  I know C and I will not be together much longer and I seriously thought I should leave her with him.  But once he got home and started to help in his negative, passive-aggressive way, I realized no matter how overwhelmed, how impatient I get, my daughter is better off with me.

I'm not saying that he's a terrible father and I don't want to turn this into a competition.  I'm just saying that like it or not, my daughter is stuck with me.  That's what's best for her.

Shopping with my little lady

Sometimes, I resent that I have to do practically everything with a child affixed to my leg that I forget these excursions are often the best times we spend together.  For example, I had to visit the local grocery store with Eliza this afternoon.  One time Eliza knocked over a jar of spaghetti sauce, splashing red sauce all over the floor.  Other nights have found me running down aisles in search of my daughter who thinks it's funny to run off and hide.

By the way, this store is only a short block away, I have a big stoop outside the entrance of my building and the store aisles are so narrow that I save the stroller for big trips only.  Just in case you're wondering why I choose to have Eliza walk beside me.

But then there are days like today when Eliza stays with me throughout the store, obediently puts objects down when I tell her too and some one else breaks a glass jar nearby.  Today, Eliza stood beside me and chatted to the cashiers, thoroughly charming them as I checked out.  Always wanting to be the helpful one, Eliza insisted on carrying the basket back to the store entrance where she placed it with the other baskets.  

It was a lovely excursion.  If only she'd eaten the dinner I'd prepared afterwards and would go to bed without a fight.

Love Moments

I've thoroughly enjoyed my week away from work.  The greatest moment of my day is when I show up at Eliza's school to pick her up after naptime.  On Monday, though she didn't sleep I found her buried under her little white baby blanket.  I crept down on the floor beside her as she slid her little arms around my neck and held me with surprising strength.

"Mama, you're here," she said, hugging me tightly.  "I'm so glad you're here."  

We snuggled on the floor together as the other kids slowly woke up and I gathered her in my arms to enjoy the rest of a wonderful day.

On Wednesday, I arrived later due to an afternoon parent meeting.  When she saw me her face broke out in the loveliest expression of pure happiness.  I thought my heart might burst at that moment, I was so incredibly happy to see my little love.

On Friday, the last day of my full week off from work, she waved to me, her hand obscured by the white blanket.  I waved and crept over to her.  A song by Fiona Apple that I love called "I Know" played quietly on a nearby radio.  I scooped my girl into my arms for a wonderful embrace and quietly sang the lovely words from the song "And you can use my skin, to bury secrets in.  And I will settle you down."

"You're here for me," Eliza said.  "Mama I'm so glad you came home.  You came to come get me."

Monday is the last day I'll pick Eliza up from school for a while.  On Wednesday, I have to attend a production meeting for work (absolute, complete waste of time) and on Friday I'll be back on set.  Though I love the paycheck and the ability to get out of the house, this job is not working out for me.  I accepted it knowing it was a big experiment and now I'm sad to say tis really has to be it.  I realize I'm fortunate to have a week and a half off every month but I work 65-72 hours the weeks that I do work.  Getting home on Saturday morning at 5am, 6am, even 9:30 am only to return to work at 6:30 am on Monday is too difficult for me.  I work with people older than myself who do this every day, no week and a half off, without difficulty.  They commute from Connecticut and work these kind of hours on a regular basis.

I can't though.  I still feel like I'm recovering from last week at work.  Forget that I went three days without seeing my daughter even though we worked in the area, I can't see myself working these kind of hours ten years from now.  It's a good job, I'm lucky they let me job share but I have to recognize my own physical limitations.  

And while I hope to find a job, one that won't enable me to pick my daughter up from school for an entire week, I have to believe that another job will at least allow me the ability to see my daughter's wonderful face every night.  When I can walk through the door and say "Mama's home."

What are you wearing?

I'm off work this week and its wonderful.  While I like being around adults and eating food some one else has prepared, the hours away from my daughter are tedious at best, and heartbreaking at worst.  The week following the labor day holiday was particularly brutal; I did not see or hold my daughter for three days in a row.  

By Thursday, I'd really had enough of no Eliza.  Sure, I know its temporary and eventually my daughter and I will be reunited, but three days in a row of watching the world go by while other people tend to my daughter completely was too much.  I remember crouching on the floor on the set that serves as our main character's office, begging Eliza to tell me what she was wearing.  I felt like some kind of pervert, intensely clutching the phone while I asked an underaged girl this question.  I was so desperate for a "look" at my daughter, somehow knowing that she wore her little red and blue dress with the fireworks, lulled me out of my misery for a bit.

Yesterday, I finally got around to doing her most of her laundry from the past two weeks.  In the space of those two weeks, she'd worn her new stretchy pants from Target, however not with the matching shirt, her pink shorts, her heart blue jeans and a variety of pink tee shirts.  I realized as I tossed the items into the washing machine that I hadn't seen her wear 90% of these items.  

Then I smiled knowing for the next week and more, I'll get to see exactly what my little daughter is wearing, day and night.

Going by at warp speed

As the mother of a new baby, I heard the same phrase repeatedly from older family members, acquaintances and well-meaning strangers at rest stops: "They grow up fast.  Enjoy her."

So I did.  Writing down as many things as I could so I wouldn't forget.  Enjoying the sleeplessness because my extreme fatigue seemed to slow down time.  I'm still sleepless but time is now suddenly moving way too fast for me to recall most of the cute things my daughter does.  Something wonderful happens and I think, I have to write this down later but when I do, like now, I don't remember.  

Eliza started school last week.  I took the day off so I could take her.  I'm off this week and hopefully most of next so I can enjoy her as much as possible.  Now that she's in school three days a week, the days aren't only for the two of us.  As sad as that feels, I'm also looking forward to getting back to writing, real writing for the first time since she was born.  

Everything she does right now is so cute, so wonderful that it's too much to write down.  I stayed with her during the entire first day of school excluding nap time.  She did pretty well though she had a bit of a meltdown when it was time to sit down with clay and another kid sat in the seat she wanted to use.  When I came to get her after nap time, she told me "I want to stay in school."

Last week, my mother watched her for the day until my babysitter was available.  Eliza told my mother "I'm sad that Mommy's at work."  As my mother tried to discuss the topic with her, Eliza said something along the lines of "I don't understand why Mommy has to work."  My mother explained, and this is largely true, that Mama works so she can buy Eliza presents.  "She wants to buy you a Halloween costume."

This delighted Eliza who then started to skip all over the house, singing about her new Halloween costume.  And I did, I ordered her a doozy of a princess Halloween costume online.  C opened it when it arrived, causing whoops of delight from my daughter.  The following day, I decided to try it on Eliza.  "It fits perfect," she said as the layers of purple and pink fabric draped over her wonderful little body.  

"Thank you for my costume, Mama.  You got this for me," she said as she danced around, easily the loveliest princess ever.  "I like that Mama goes to work."

I laughed, understanding what she meant.  I'll also add that she's said she likes that I work because her Katie, Harry, (brother and sister) and her Tina (babysitter) come over. 

But today as we rode the bus home from school together, Eliza cuddled up with me and said "I'm glad you're home Mommy."

Goodbye Lovely Summer

I know there will still be long gorgeous days but technically, the summer is over.  The city pools will be closed so there won't be any days of lounging poolside in a local playground.  Next week, Eliza starts school.  I am going to be so busy at work the next two weeks (save next Wednesday, when I take off to take my girl to school), there will be little time for leisure.  

I love the summer.  I don't even mind the heat.  I love the long days, with no rush to get anywhere.  I loved the trips to Coney Island, the handful of days at the beach, the night we watched the sun set over the Hudson River and I chose not to worry that Eliza was up well past her bedtime and eating ice cream when she didn't touch her dinner.  

I love the trip we took to Pittsburgh for my mother's 70th birthday and the two days we visited the water parks.  

I spent Labor Day weekend at my mother's house near the Jersey Shore.  I chose not to make the annual pilgrimage to C's parents beach house.  If you'd read my entry about our Fourth of July weekend, that comes as no surprise.  I didn't get home from work until close to 5am on Friday night anyway so I was hardly in the mood to travel 4-6 hours just to go the beach when I can travel for one hour and go to one close to my Mom.  Since we'd just returned from a long trip to Pittsburgh, C agreed that strapping Eliza into the car for an extended period of time was best for her either and I go the weekend with my girl.  

On Saturday evening, I decided I had to have some kind of wagon, you know like a radio flyer kind of thing, to tote Eliza to the beach when I visit my mother.  I dragged Eliza to Target but the only wagon we say was very expensive and too big for me to take out of the store.  I decided to take her to a playground.  I've seen several along the Bay on the south side of Route 35 and wanted to visit a place different from the playground we regularly stop by.

But every playground I passed, though it looked promising, offered absolutely no parking.  The side streets were so narrow, parking along the street was not an option.  Eliza sat in the backseat and protested as one playground after another passed her by.  The sky grew redder as the night grew darker but it was too late to turn around.

Finally, I found a playground with parking.  Only after I pulled in did I see the sign that said it was permit parking only.  Apparently the playground was part of some club that probably wouldn't accept me as a member.  It was close to 8pm and feeling pretty confident that no one would police the park at that hour, I pulled in.  Eliza happily ran out of the car onto the sandy playground, her giggles soaring high into the air.  Behind the playground. a group of tween boys played baseball.  Three other kids and their caretakers were the only other people at the playground.  Eliza raced up a pretty unique kind of jungle gym thing and hid in it's center.  It was several tubes that all connected into a cylinder like tunnel that reminded me of a spaceship.  

I peered in at Eliza and called her my little astronaut.  

She rode the swings, she rode some kind of bouncey seesaw.  She was afraid of a steep slide but I finally convinced her to go down it with me.  The sun slowly disappeared and one by one, the other people left until we were on the only two people in the park.

"Eliza, it's time to go.  It's dark."

"No Mama.  It's not dark yet.  It's still light.  It's not going to rain."

"All the people are gone now honey.  We're the only ones here."

"I want to go down the slide with you one more time."

So I did.  Here's to the wonderful, long, not so lazy days of summer.  I already miss you like crazy.

Letting Go

Work is winding down for now.  Unless the schedule changes, I should be off and free to be full-time Mom to my girl until Tuesday, August 26th.  We're going to Pittsburgh the weekend of the 22 to see my grandparents.  I can't believe a year has passed since the last time they've seen Eliza.  That's way too much time.

Work has been good in the sense that it has given me financial freedom from C.  Eventually, I'm convinced it will give me real freedom from C.  I vacillate all the time about what I should do as far as he's concerned.  It's hard breaking up a family, especially as I care for his other kids and will no longer be a part of their lives once I split.  C has some good qualities, I too often focus on the negative.  My going back to work has helped us get along a lot better.  In the end though, we will never be happy together and I refuse to be one of those women who's always complaining about her situation but never takes action to change her life.

Eliza has taken real steps towards independence and its beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.  I am no longer the center of her universe.  C, his kids and frankly, the babysitter have all moved into equal roles in her life.  Eliza will start preschool in a month with a class mostly comprised of kids older than she.  She fit right into the class which was wonderful.  But I will miss her on my weeks off from work, I will miss all the wonderful time we've had together just as I miss it now.

I'm sure Eliza would have made this move even if I'd not returned to work.  She would have started preschool in the Fall, made some friends and started to form a life independent of all of us.  I am grateful and proud of the little person she is becoming.  

But oh, how I miss that tiny little baby who wouldn't let me put her down.  My little girl still needs me, but she's my little girl anymore, she's her own little person and oh boy, is she lovely.