Denial, anger, acceptance--these are some of the phases of death I believe a psychologist documented for terminally ill people. People have gone on to apply then to the grieving process. I think I've been in denial that Meredith and her family left for the past year. During my first week in Israel, I hit the anger phase. I didn't like Israel at first, found the area she lived in suffocating and couldn't understand why she'd leave the people she loves for some kind religious ideal.
Now I've entered the acceptance phase. Meredith is not coming back and as much as phone calls and email can keep us in touch, the distance is very painful. But our friendship is wonderfully sturdy and strong and no matter how deep her commitment to her faith runs, I am still a person she can best confide in.
Unfortunately, before I left I'd put a security deposit down on an apartment that I loved but the current tenant decided to renew their lease. So I'm back at square, a woman with no job and no home. Oh sure, I can probably stay with C indefinitely and live comfortably but why would I choose to live so unhappily. The market in the area I've chosen to live in is extremely competitive and I'm not sure I'll find a place that has everything I want in the location I want. It's so difficult breaking up a family that I felt good about doing it with this apartment. No matter what, I was convinced Eliza and I would be happy there. Now, I have to start all over again in an extremely competitive rental market.
It's 2am New York time, 9am Israeli time. Eliza is happily sleeping, hopefully ready to jump back into this world and I sit here staring at my computer screen, wide awake and lost.